As Justin Trudeau showed us today, the President`s handshake game is notoriously unpredictable, so make sure you`re prepared for anything.

For a man who has carefully cultivated his image as a borderline supernaturally-gifted businessman and dealmaker, Donald Trump sure does suck at shaking other people`s hands. The "demoralized" President`s jerky, uneven motion and clammy grasp—I have no evidence for this, but it seems like it`s probably clammy—are exacerbated by his occasional attempts to pull his victim counterpart in toward his person, a deeply unsettling habit that vaguely brings to mind an unskilled fisherman exerting great effort to reel in a catch.



As Justin Trudeau showed us today, the President`s handshake game is notoriously unpredictable, so make sure you`re prepared for anything.

For a man who has carefully cultivated his image as a borderline supernaturally-gifted businessman and dealmaker, Donald Trump sure does suck at shaking other people`s hands. The "demoralized" President`s jerky, uneven motion and clammy grasp—I have no evidence for this, but it seems like it`s probably clammy—are exacerbated by his occasional attempts to pull his victim counterpart in toward his person, a deeply unsettling habit that vaguely brings to mind an unskilled fisherman exerting great effort to reel in a catch.

On Monday, though, a sign of hope: Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau became one of the first men to meaningfully fight back against this ongoing atrocity against basic professionalism, winning the handshake battle with President Trump by visibly stiffening his right arm to protect himself from any sudden, unwelcome lurches.



We admire Trudeau`s strategic thinking here, but is this a one-size-fits-all approach? Hardly. Below, we offer some tips for everyone concerned that they might soon come in close personal contact with our germaphobic leader of the free world.

For actual politicians: Use your left hand, Trudeau-style, to brace yourself against sudden movements by latching onto Trump`s right shoulder like a barnacle. All of the President`s handshakes seem to linger for something like 19 days, but it`s okay to grit your teeth so long as you remain smiling pleasantly. Think about baseball, if you must.

For appreciators of antiquity: Reach in for the forearm shake! Pretend you`re in a Braveheart reboot if you need to get in the right mindset. Will his dubiously-sized hands fit all the way around your forearm? There`s only one way to find out!

For the calculatingly hip: Offer the fist pound. It`s nearly impossible for him to pivot back into a handshake, since prying someone`s fingers apart is an awkward, ungainly task that violates too many social norms—even for him. Thus, there are only two possible outcomes, really. Either he reciprocates the fist pound, thereby capitulating meekly to your effortless cool, or he hesitantly wraps his hand around your fist, a response so impossibly dorky that he has to resign on the spot and you become the new President of the United States.

For Sun Tzu fanboys: Surreptitiously lather your hand in Vaseline, so that his efforts to pull you in end with him flying off-balance. As the cameras flash, stare down at him unblinkingly with equal parts bewilderment and pity.

For Hogwarts students: Keep your hand in a bag of ice until the moment you get out of the car. As surprise and fear spread across his face, nod solemnly and confirm that, yes, you are a real-life Dementor, and unless he fancies living out a soulless existence in Azkaban, he shouldn`t try any funny business.

For the adventurous: Remember, you don`t necessarily have to play on his turf if you don`t want to. Consider preempting these handshake shenanigans by bringing it in for the real thing. Hold the hug position for as long as you can bear. You can whisper sweet nothings in his ear if you feel comfortable, but take note that this is an advanced move reserved only for the most confident of greeters.
For almost anyone else: Considering sneezing into your hand first.

/GQ/

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