With only a few months left before the Republican National Convention, party luminaries, bigwigs and eminences grises have come up with a secret blueprint for how to stop the New York business mogul from becoming their candidate. Exclusive to the Guardian, here is their 10-point plan:

1. Change the Republican party rules so that all presidential candidates must disclose the length of their fingers prior to receiving the nomination. Trump will drop out of the race by the end of the day.

2. Leave a trail of spray tan canisters and ground beef leading from the door of his penthouse to a barge about to set off for the Far East.

3. Lure him into a space shuttle by telling him there’s a photograph of his daughter Ivanka in a bikini onboard and then blast him into orbit.

4. Attach a $5 bill to a greased pig’s back and set it loose backstage before his next campaign stop. He’ll chase that thing until he’s out of breath, and miss the speech, which, due to his inhumanly hectic campaign schedule will have the cumulative knock-on effect of making him miss the next day’s speech, then the next morning’s chummy appearance by telephone with his pals on Morning Joe, then the next four primaries, and before you know it he’s missed the convention and is safely back to being an appalling but harmless reality TV star.

5. Force Trump to spend as much as five minutes with one of his own supporters.

6. Remind him that the White House executive residence is a paltry 55,000 square feet and that presidents are constitutionally prohibited from painting it gold.

7. Invite Trump to a pool party and before he arrives glue a bunch of nickels to the bottom of the deep end.

8. Invent time travel, go back to 2008, and stop ourselves from attacking the Obama administration with the exact same vitriolic, divisive rhetoric that Trump picked up on and has now ridden to his present position.

9. Stop sheepishly acquiescing to Trump’s bluster and acting like he isn’t a despicable racist monster in hopes that it’s not too late to prevent the complete collapse of society.

10. Change election procedure so that the remaining delegates must pledge their support to whichever nominee scores highest on a seventh grade vocabulary test. Unfortunately this will probably give the edge to college debate champ Ted Cruz, an opportunistic, bigoted liar whose vision for America is a theocracy engaged in an apocalyptic war against Islam run by a man who looks like Dracula’s fat cousin smugly eating a sour candy he received as a prize for tattling. But you can’t have everything.

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