Thank you for your latest report. Once again I send you the congratulations and gratitude of everyone here at HQ for your sterling work for our campaign. Your clandestine work for our cause will not go unrecognised when our nation is free of our European shackles.
On a personal note, I wanted to place on record an acknowledgement that my initial reservations about your secret mission, and your suitability to undertake it, have proved entirely groundless.
As you will recall, I was not initially persuaded that someone who had campaigned so vociferously against European Union membership all his life could convince his own party and its voters that in fact he was, after all, a committed defender of the Brussels project. I failed to understand that your utter inability to convince Labour voters of your “conversion” was the main reason you would become so useful to us.
As you know, our campaign has two central aims: first, to secure a Leave vote on June 23 by undermining the Remain campaign, and second, to ensure the Labour Party becomes so removed from its core supporters’ everyday concerns that it ceases to be an electoral force for the foreseeable future.
In both respects you have played a pivotal role, but it is in your work to achieve the second aim that is most impressive.
Thank you for your cooperation in incorporating our suggested phrase, “Tory Brexit”, into all Labour speeches. A core Labour vote that had already become frustrated with your refusal to entertain any of their concerns about immigration will most assuredly feel even more removed from their traditional party now that you have labelled them Tories for questioning the EU. You indicate in your report that not one of your MPs raised any objections to this tactic; that is surprising but nonetheless hugely encouraging. So too is your courageous decision to make sure your party’s latest leaflet failed even to mention immigration as an issue in this referendum. Even I thought that would blow your cover and reveal you as our agent. Once again, I was wrong.
Still, there is more to be done. I have been asked to convey our wish that at least one more member of your Shadow Cabinet makes a significant “Twitter gaffe” during the last week of the campaign. Maybe a Labour MP asking why people opposed to immigration don’t simply move to Islington? You know the kind of thing we need.
Can I also ask you to do your best to discourage actual working-class Labour MPs from making the Remain case on TV? I know very few of your MPs fit the bill anyway, but I thought it worth a mention - can’t be too careful.
The Board here at HQ also wishes it to be known that they wish your loyal allies Clive Lewis and Richard Burgon to become more high-profile as Labour names pushing the case for Remain, for two reasons: 1) no one believes anything they say about the EU, and 2) no one believes anything they say.
On a personal note, can I say how impressed I was at your tradecraft on Channel 4’s The Last Leg last week? Your answer to the question, “How enthusiastic about the EU are you, on a scale of one to ten?”, was very deft. “Seven and a half” was just high enough to avoid suspicion from your “friends” in the Remain campaign, but low enough to signal that the EU isn’t important enough to demand any Labour voter’s enthusiasm or support.
Before I sign off, I should ask after your predecessor, Agent Miliband.
As you know, he played a critical role in helping our efforts to leave the EU by sabotaging Labour and changing the party’s rule book to make sure someone of your own – shall we say, unusual – talents, could succeed him as leader.
Only thanks to him are we in the happy position of having the Leader of the Opposition working so hard for Brexit, albeit covertly.
As we prepare for the final push to victory, your colleagues thank you again for all that you have done for us over your long years of service to the cause, especially since taking on your current assignment in September.
This letter will self-destruct slightly more quickly than Labour under your leadership.
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